Why it's hard to tell others about spiritual abuse
This past year I’ve spoken and worked with many different people who reached out to talk about spiritual abuse they’ve experienced in the Church. They were lay people, religious sisters, parish ministers, Catholic school staff, and diocesan employees—all of them sharing stories of harm they’ve experienced from people and institutions who were supposed to take care of them.
After one of these conversations, a person said to me: It was a consolation to talk with you, to be understood so deeply with little explanation. That's rare.
Why is the experience of feeling understood, without having to explain yourself, so rare?
Spiritual abuse is a kind of psychological abuse where spiritual beliefs and/or religious authority is used to control or manipulate others. Spiritual abuse causes real harm and is often perpetrated by individuals in positions of power.
Like other forms of psychological abuse, spiritual abuse doesn’t leave any physical marks. You can’t point to a bruise on your body and say, “this is where I was hurt.” And with spiritual abuse, the abuser is often a religious leader who holds a position of authority or respect in the community.
In general, Catholics want to believe that their pastors, bishops, school principals, and diocesan leaders are good people. In part because most of us want to presume the best of others. And in part because, given what we believe about Holy Orders and Church authority, accepting that Church leaders can do terrible things can cause a lot of existential discomfort. Often it’s easier to just presume the best of those in positions of power.
I think this may especially be the case for people who work for the Church. If I have given years of my life serving a bishop or a pastor because I believed in them and their mission, then my own identity is caught up in those leaders being good and decent people. Believing someone who comes to me and says, “your bishop hurt me,” can cause cognitive dissonance and anxiety. It takes courage to enter into that dissonance for the sake of the truth. It takes courage to believe survivors. It takes even more courage to do something about it.
So when someone comes forward and says, “this paster spiritually abused me,” they are often met, even from family and friends, with defensiveness because the truth of their experience feels, to the hearer, like an attack on the legitimacy of the Church. It shakes the hearer’s sense of security. So the hearer often responds, intentionally or unintentionally, by questioning the survivor’s experience:
That seems like such a small thing though
Why didn’t you just talk to him about it
Aren’t you making a big deal of this
Maybe he was just having a bad day
He’s done so many good things though
Priests are human too
Why aren't you over this yet
Being asked to explain yourself feels like, and often in fact is, being asked to defend yourself and legitimize the harm you’ve experienced. Because of all this, telling other people about your experience of spiritual abuse can end with you questioning your own reality and second guessing the harm that was done to you.
If someone is sharing an experience of spiritual abuse with you, it’s essential to listen without getting defensive about the Church or the particular priest/minister who the other person has said abused them. Their story isn’t a threat to God or the Church. Know that Jesus is, in fact, always on the side of the vulnerable and marginalized, and you can ask him for the grace to keep space for the real wounds people have suffered at the hands of those in the Church.
When we encounter someone who is sharing their stories of harm, like Moses before the burning bush, we are standing on holy ground. We must remove the sandals of defensiveness and discomfort, and show the utmost reverence, gentleness, and respect.
If you want a place to better understand spiritual abuse, a place where you don’t have to defend or explain yourself, I invite you to consider my upcoming workshop about recognizing, preventing, and responding to spiritual abuse in the Catholic Church.
This workshop is for:
Individuals trying to understand and/or heal from experiences of spiritual abuse in the Church
Clergy and lay leaders interested in safeguarding their communities from spiritual abuse and abuse of conscience
Therapists working with clients who have been spiritually abused
This workshop will help you:
Recognize and prevent spiritual abuse and abuse of conscience in the Church
Know the symptoms of spiritual abuse, religious trauma, and moral injury
Respond to individuals who have been spiritually abused
Details:
This is five-part live workshop that will be held virtually. I’m running two workshops this fall, with day or evening sessions to accommodate different time zones and work schedules.
Groups will have between 5 and 12 participants and space will be filled on a first come, first serve basis. There are only a handful of spots still open in each group.
Group 1 - Wednesdays, 3:00-4:30pm (EST) | Dates: 9/25 - 10/23
Group 2 - Thursdays, 7:30-9:00pm (EST) | Dates: 9/26 - 10/24
Pricing:
I believe that anyone, regardless of their financial situation, should have access to the information in this workshop. I do not wish for inability to pay to prevent you from registering. Based on my training and time commitment, this workshop is valued at $350. Making this workshop available to anyone who can benefit from it is important to me, but it is also an important part of my family’s income.
While the full value of the five-part series is $350, you decide what you can pay. Whether it's $10 or more than $350, your contribution is appreciated. Even if you can't attend, but you are grateful resources like this exist, you can financially support the workshop. Any amount helps.
How to Pay:
1. Preferred Method: Send your contribution via PayPal to paul@faheycounseling.com
2. Or use your credit card here:
https://pope-francis-generation.checkoutpage.co/spiritual-abuse-workshop-fall-2024
This flexible pricing is a new approach I'm trying to ensure inclusivity while also supporting my family as I transition into my counseling career. I hope it can be an opportunity for solidarity within this community and an opportunity for me to trust in God's providence more.
I’m looking forward to having you in the workshop!